Dear valued clients and friends,
I recently came across a post that suggested we shouldn’t try to manage our emotions but rather manage our reaction to them.
At first, I wasn’t entirely sure what to make of it. But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. It wasn’t really about ignoring what we feel or pretending difficult emotions don’t exist. It was about recognising them properly and then being careful about what we allow them to do next.
Feeling the Emotion
I suppose many of us were taught, in some way, to hold certain emotions in. Not to get visibly angry, disappointed, frustrated or upset. As though those feelings themselves were the problem.
But emotions have a habit of arriving whether we invite them or not.
I was reminded of this during a negotiation earlier this week. A buyer had submitted an offer they felt was fair. The seller declined it and, understandably, disappointment followed. Before long, disappointment became frustration and frustration became anger. Within a few minutes, the conversation had moved away from the offer itself and become almost entirely about the emotion surrounding it.
What struck me afterwards was that the initial feeling wasn’t wrong. Most of us would have felt the same. The difficulty came when the emotion took over and all perspective seemed to leave the room.
Problems Are in Words, Answers Are in Numbers
My team know one of my often-used sayings: “Problems are in words and answers are in numbers.”
I’ve used that phrase for years because, when things become emotional or chaotic, numbers seem to help bring the issue back into focus. For some reason, problems often feel much larger when they live only in conversation. They grow in explanations, assumptions and opinions.
Yet when you reduce them to rands and cents, actual numbers, timelines or practical options, they tend to become more manageable. I was once asked a simple question: "Will this matter as much to you in ten years?"
It's remarkable how often that question changes your perspective. Not because the issue suddenly becomes unimportant, but because it forces you to step back from the emotion of the moment and look at it from a different angle.
Sometimes the answer is yes. Sometimes it genuinely matters. But often, what feels overwhelming today looks very different once you create a little distance from it.
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Learning to Pause
Perhaps that is why the post stayed with me.
The older I get, the less I believe emotional maturity is about feeling less. We all feel disappointment. We all get frustrated. We all have moments where things don’t go according to plan.
What seems to matter more is creating a little space between what we feel and what we do next. A pause long enough to let the emotion settle, long enough for the facts to come back into view and long enough to decide whether our reaction is going to help or simply add more noise.
And perhaps that applies to more of life than we realise.
Warm regards,
Jonathan Broekman
Principal, Homes of Distinction
